i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
