I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
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someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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