So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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