She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
