Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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