you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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