I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
