I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
