well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
