and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
