hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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