Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
