i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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