Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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