Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
