what day is it and did you see me today?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
