dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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