Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You made out with two different species that night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
