the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
