I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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