onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
