successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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