I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
