There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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