Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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