his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
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