A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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