my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
