two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm both gender and math confused
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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