Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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