I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
