I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
