I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
