remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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