Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
