I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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