Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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