By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
