Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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