Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.