just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?