I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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