I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
