I think my vagina is haunted
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
