you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
