Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
