Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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