the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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