it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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