Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
