I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
