i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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