at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
