I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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