I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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