he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
