i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
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Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
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I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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