Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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