Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
