i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
