Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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