Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
