i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
