my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
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I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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